I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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