i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
