So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
