Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
