1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
