I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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