You can't special order awesome
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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