I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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