I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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