I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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