Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
