why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
In other news, I just burned my penis
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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