Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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