You just made me feel so damn special
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Randomize
