You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
