yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
