Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
