Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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