John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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