Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
