I CAN MOONWALK!
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
