You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
