u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Never underestimate the power of titties
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