I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
