oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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