i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Houston, we have a blender
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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