Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So vagazzling was a success
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
