her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
