Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
