Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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