bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
