i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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