Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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