Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
