I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
