have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
