you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
