Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
