Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
