My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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