once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
