My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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