I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
