i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
