She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
