don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
