two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
