do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
