I smell stomach acid.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
