I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
