the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
